This post has been written by a woman who reported her experiences with Mike Pilavachi to investigators.
Pain and anger. Two states of being that I seem to be constantly flitting between at the moment.
The intensity of the pain is such that if I let myself go near it my chest hurts and I feel as though I cannot breathe.
I have been abused, neglected, exploited, and let down by those in positions of power within the Church.
God is good, but my experience of the Church has not been.
God is holy, but my experience of the Church has not been.
God is light, but my experience of the Church has not been.
God is love, but my experience of the Church has not been.
God is compassionate, but my experience of the Church has not been.
God is just, but my experience of the Church has not been.
I have kept silent for years. No one has explicitly forced me not to speak, yet I have felt compelled to keep silence.
Because of the power of the patriarchal system on which the Church has been built, with its subtle (and not-so-subtle) messaging about the lesser value of women in relation to men – especially men in leadership – and about how survivors should behave, about how they should forgive without harming the Church’s reputation, and so on and so forth…
Because of the shame that was unjustly put on me by men within this system.
And because of a false sense of loyalty towards those I now know feel no loyalty either towards me as a victim of abuse or towards justice.
But I can feel that compulsion towards keeping silence slowly being eroded and something stirring within me in its place.
Even after all that has been uncovered and shed light on this year – the abuse, the pain, the structures of power that enabled decades of harm – I see a continued drive towards power, dominance, and celebrity status within the Church. So many wanting to make a name for themselves and their organisations; so many voicing support for the system; so many with a vested interest in the status quo. Have we really learned so little this year?
The intensity of the anger within me is such that if I let myself go near it my chest hurts and I feel as though I cannot breathe.
God of all that is good, holy, light, love, compassionate and just… hear my prayer and heal your Church.
God Loves Women 