Guest Blog: A female perspective on losing a child

A wonderful friend of my has written this blog, but she wishes to stay anonymous.

 

 

(Warning this blog discuses miscarrage and child loss)

 

 

Ever heard a preach on the Father heart of God? Ever heard a father preaching about how horific it would be for him to loss his son. Probably. Ever heard a mother preach about child loss? I suspect if you have it will have been less often.

 

I find it hard to spend any length of time in worship at present without experiencing substantial amounts of pain. God is gracious and let’s me run away and run back and slowly I grieve.

 

God chooses to reveal himself in scripture in both terms of father and mother imagery. So here is a mothers perspective on the cross.

 

I had a child wrenched from my womb, I watched as I lost all ability to nurture, care and grow this precious being, watched it pour out of me. I lost the possibility of holding that child to my breast, to nurse it with its ear next to my heartbeat to stare into its face and see my own emotions mirrored back. I lost the oppertunity to suuround them with love, joy and goodness.

 

I had nothing to hold or bury so vast was the seperation raught between us so I buried a box of memories in a garden I will never walk with my child in. But I have hope. God gave me a picture of the future and when I get to glory there’s a child waiting ready to run towards me arms wide open shouting ‘mummy’. Because God’s love can reach right down into the depths of this broken world. Right down to a collection of cells that could never have lived, that had the ‘wrong’ combination of chromosomes that lacked what it took to be a viable human. Yet still God breathes life.

 

Both my children have taught me so much about the love of God for us. What my child Eden has given me a glimmer of is the cataclismic pain God bears when his children are taken and the eager anticipation with which God longs to be reconciled.

To My Beautiful Daughter

The world will tell you that your value is dependant

On things like your looks or the shape of your body

That your happiness comes through the things you buy

Or the boys…

…you date

 

It will try to undermine you at every turn

And try to ensure it’s lies that you learn

 

It will tell your worth can be bought

In a pot of make up and the looks of men

 

Because you are female its expectations of you will shrink

It will box you and squash you and tell you not to think

 

Your womanhood will be demeaned and made something weak

It’ll tell you it’s a marriage and a child you seek

 

But listen to me lovely, don’t believe what it says

 

The world belongs to a liar you see

And the lies that he sells are cheap and worthless

 

The world lies because the truth holds such hope

If it squashes you down, then it can stay in control

But listen my daughter and hear the truth

 

You are utterly precious

And so so so strong

Your womanhood’s to be proud of

Not a shameful thing

Your value’s inherent

It cannot be sold or bought

It’s everything that makes you the person you are

 

You can be single and be successful

You can be child-free and be satisfied

You can be married and live life to the full

You can have children, if that’s what you choose

But know you have choices, that are only yours

And strength in abundance to do what you choose

There are no boxes in which you have to fit

There are no places in which you have to sit

 

 

Hear me when I say it’s hard to live out the truth

Because many people still believe the lies

They’ll ignore you, resist you and tell you you’re wrong

But I know you can make it, I know that you’re strong

 

Daughter you’re precious, precious beyond words

I love you, I love you

 

I

Love

You

 

I am a woman

I’m a woman is all, a woman I say

Does that make me not good enough,

To be given the time of day?

 

“No”, say You, “You’re a child of God.”

“Great!” say I, “thank you Lord!”

 

So I grow in that knowledge

That I’m loved by God on high

Told that I’m good enough

For Him to come and die

 

And I start to notice

That everywhere I go

I’m taking the lead

Helping run the show

 

And I hear the voice of the One who loves me

Saying I want you to lead My people

“No!” says I, “I can’t do that”

“Yes!” says He, “I’ll help you out”

“You see” says He,

“It’s not you, but Me.”

“In you and through You, I’ll bring forth the Kingdom”

“Just like Mary, who said ‘may it be done’”

“Alright” says I, “that sounds not too bad,

But only if it’s You in me and through me.”

 

So I start doing this leading,

Obedient to the calling of the Almighty

I get so far, then suddenly I’m told

I don’t qualify

 

“What?!” Says I, “Have I done something wrong?”

“No!” They say, “But you’re not a man.”

 

But God told me I’m actually worth loving

And God called me to lead His people

God said He would work in me and through me

Just like He did with Mary,

and Mary

and Martha

and Junia

and Deborah

and Priscilla

and those daughters of Zelophehad

 

So I’ll still lead and follow God’s call

No matter whether you tell me I fail the man test

But I’ll cry and hurt that some fellow believers

Tell me I’m just not good enough

A woman in Costa

Today I was sat tweeting in Costa while my phone charged and suddenly I heard a woman’s voice slightly raised on the table next to me.  I turned to see a man with his back to me and a woman on the other side of the table, talking to him,

 

“You’ve hit me before!  What you want me to stop talking so loud?!  Don’t you think people should know what you’ve done?”

 

Suddenly my entire attention became focused on the table next to me and the interaction of the two people sitting there.  What could I do?  How could I let this woman know that there’s help out there?  That what he’s doing to her is wrong?  I decided to wait, and pray for an opportunity to speak to her.

 

And as I sat there waiting and praying, all I could do was listen to the conversation unfolding next to me.

 

Her: “Why do you keep doing this to me?  You said you’d stop drinking!  You keep doing all these things to me”

 

Him: “I came here expecting you were going to apologise to me, and you’re trying to make it all my fault!”

 

He kept employing the “quiet voice” tactic; keeping his voice low, so she sounds like a hysterical woman to everyone else, while he whispers offensive names and other nasty things under his breath.
Her: “I just want to fix things, I know it’s not always you, it is partly me…”

 

Him: “You’re always making it worse, why do you make it worse…?!”

 

I sat there, praying and asking others on twitter to pray,  that I would have the opportunity to speak to her.  At one point she got up, ready to leave, but he convinced her to sit back down.  I packed up my bag and wrote a note with my name, email, address, phone number and the details of Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?”

 

She was so articulate and so good at putting across her point.  And yet he constantly undermined her.

 

So I waited and prayed and prayed and waited.  And eventually she stood up to leave.  He stayed sat down and she walked away, I stood up and gave her my note and told her I might be able to help, that she could contact me.  The man stayed sat down and didn’t follow her so I walked down the stairs and said to her,
“I work with domestic abuse, I might be able to help.  My ex-husband was abusive…I’ve written down a book that might help you on that note.”

 

She looked at me and quickly said, “Oh no!  It’s not domestic abuse!  It’s just unresolved issues, that’s all!”  Then she hurried off.

 

I walked towards my train, heartbroken again by the reality of how men can break women so totally, without consequence or challenge.  Painfully aware of how I once was a woman who refused to accept my ex-husband was abusive.  The sadness I felt was heavy and consuming.

 

And yet, even in that pain and sadness, I praised God that I was able to give her some information.  That an opportunity was provided and just maybe this opportunity will enable the woman to move forward.  I will continue to believe there is hope, that she can be restored and freed.

 

I got home, my heart still heavy, and began to read with hope again rising the story of how Carl Beech and Dean Gray had challenged an abusive man on the underground; I was reminded that there are men and women across the UK and beyond challenging violence against women, bringing freedom and hope to women and children.  If each one of us sees every opportunity as a chance to make a difference, we will do just that.  If each one of us doesn’t just stand by when we hear, see or learn of abuse and violence, we will make a difference!

 

I happened to get a text from a friend just now and even though she didn’t know about this situation she had sent me the following verse:

 

“But thanks be to God who gives us the victory, through our Lord Jesus Christ, therefore my beloved be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.” [1 Corinthians 15:57-58]

 

If you pray, please do pray for the woman I met today, let her and any children she has find hope and freedom and for the man who is choosing to continue abusing her to be held accountable and challenged, knowing that nothing we do for God is in vain!

 

Worshipping the Created

I had a two part revelation from God recently.  The first part came during my first experience of a West End musical earlier this month!  Apart from my seat being VERY high up, the show was wonderful.  There was the orchestra playing the music, the performers acting, singing and dancing wonderfully and the sense, as I looked around at everyone else, of a shared joyous experience.

 

But as the show came to an end and the performers took their well deserved bows as the audience applauded and whooped, I looked around and saw many people on their feet, pouring out their adoration.  Suddenly, I felt this wave of sadness as I realised that most of these people have never given God a standing ovation, have never even considered the awesomeness of their Creator, and in His place they have put performers, actors and actresses, dancers and singers, who although capable of much, are still just the created beings of the truly Awesome Creator.

 

I left the theatre feeling so broken hearted for a world in which God is ignored and the created is worshipped.

 

The second part of this revelation happened as I was spending a day with God recently.  I started to praise God for all He has made, flowers, dogs, cats, science, intelligence, love… and as I did this, for each thing I named, I could think of at least one group who dedicated their life to that thing, above and instead of the Author and Creator of the things.  So there are people who dedicate their lives to gardening, to their pets, to the pursuit of science, to trying to find true love… and yet all of them are missing the point, they are worshipping the created and missing out on the Creator.

 

And I began to feel it again, broken hearted for a world in which God is ignored and the created is worshipped.  But this worship of the created is not a new thing.  As it says in Jeremiah 10:14-16:

 

“Everyone is senseless and without knowledge; every goldsmith is shamed by his idols.  The images he makes are a fraud; they have no breath in them.  They are worthless, the objects of mockery; when their judgment comes, they will perish.

He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these, for He is the Maker of all things,

including Israel, the people of his inheritance – the LORD Almighty is his name.”

 

The idols of today may not be made of gold, but they are still worthless.  Don’t get my wrong, I’m not saying West End shows, gardening, owning a pet, science or any other such thing is wrong or evil, but when worshipped and placed before the Creator of the universe, all things fall far short.