The world has gone mad and for a little while so did I.
Before the virus hit the UK we were in the process of relocating from Essex to the North East. We were excited that our offer had been accepted on a beautiful house in Sunderland and we had buyers in place for our house. After ten years living in Essex various factors converged to make moving north seem like a great idea. It would allow us to become mortgage free, it would move us closer to my family and we could live by the sea!
It’s less than two years since we lost Smallest GLW. After a complicated process of my great nephew becoming one of our children for three years, we had been seeking a Special Guardianship Order for him when it was ruled he must be returned to his mum and live four hours away from us. We’d believed God wanted us to welcome him as one of our own children, and then he was taken away. It really shook my understanding of who God was.
Not long after him leaving us, our family history was brought to the fore. For those unfamiliar with my story, at 17 I entered a relationship with an abuser. By 21-years-old, I was living in a hospital after my then husband had assaulted me, causing my son to be born 3 months premature. My toddler daughter and I lived with him in hospital for five months. It was in this place, when I had lost everything, that I discovered the God who is everything. I gave my whole life to the God who never promised that things would be easy, but promised to always be with me.
My children are now 16 and 14. It’s complicated when our children become teenagers, because their challenges are still our challenges, but they need us to keep their confidences. Suffice to say, the last eighteen months has regularly sunk me back into a traumatised place as the reverberations of my ex-husband’s abuse continue to shatter parts of mine and my children’s lives over and again. Even though he’s had no contact with any of us for over 13 years.
Over eleven years ago, God called me to work nationally to address male violence towards women. At first, I refused. But God said to me, “If I call you, I’ll resource you.” And so I embarked on what has become over a decade of challenges, frustrations and a deep, abiding joy as I have developed many and varied projects (you can have a read about some of them at the bottom of this blog). God has resourced us throughout it all. There has been the constant challenge of trying to work out what we need to do and what we should leave up to God, and there have been many incredibly generous people who have felt called to support us on our way.
As the virus threatens impending doom on civilisation, all I could think about was that it was going to stop us moving house. I became fixated on needing to get moved. It took up all my headspace, all my emotional energy. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus on anything except moving house. And it made me hate myself. The whole world is falling apart, people are going to die, everything is going to change. And all I could think about was Needing To Move House. I prayed for perspective. I used the Ignatian Examen to try changing my perspective. I blasted worship music out while driving, trying to force myself out of the selfishness. I journaled, went running and cuddled Preston Wooflepuff (click here if you would like to be dazzled by her beautifulness), but nothing changed. I wanted to be thinking of others and how to be one of the helpers, but instead I was driven mad with the need to move house. And I hated myself for it.
Then, all of a sudden, I realised I was experiencing a traumatic response. This wasn’t really about the house move. I hadn’t become obsessively self-involved. Instead, my body had patterned matched to previous threats. When I was with my ex-husband I was powerless. He almost destroyed me and I lived under a constant fear of what he would do, or make me do, next. And so my body and brain had strategies to keep me feeling safe. These included:
- Focussing on the minor issues, make them HUGE, because then I didn’t have to deal with the Actual Issue.
- Being on high alert all the time, repeating the problem over and over and over in my head, but never finding a solution.
- Denying my powerless while at the same time shutting down any resources to overcome the powerlessness (like creativity, potential solutions, connection to others and God).
Realising I had entered a traumatic space changed everything. I stopped beating myself up and identified my body and brain’s rationale for behaving in the ways it needed to. Instead of continuing to be alienated from my body’s resources, I began to appreciate my body and brain for providing an (albeit highly problematic) coping strategy.
Last year, I finished a theology MA. In my dissertation I argued that we should view trauma responses as grace-empowered superpowers, rather than problematising them. That we operate in a world which is “safenormative”. A world which “others” traumatised people and holds us to the standards of those who have never been subjected to brutality. That by honouring (without romanticising or glamorising) trauma responses, we enable traumatised people to love the whole of themselves.
I began to feel less wrong as I made space for the purpose behind my fixation on moving house; to make a global pandemic feel manageable, to maintain high alert so that I could be kept safe, to deny the powerlessness. My responses were understandable, they made sense and they were my body trying to keep me safe and alive.
I’ve come out of the other side now. I don’t know whether our house move will go through, but I’m able to accept whatever the outcome is. I’m facing the reality that our finances were already highly precarious before the virus hit, and now we have no clue what we will live on for the foreseeable future. We’re on lockdown after Smaller GLW (he’s 14) developed a temperature yesterday and everything feels hugely uncertain.
And yet, that God who met me living in a hospital with a premature baby and a traumatised toddler, is with us today. That God who has always resourced us remains faithful in the midst of all that we face. And so, having recognised my trauma responses for what they are, I begin the process of working out how God will help us make it through. And as I do, I’m reminding of Andy Flannagan’s song, “We Are Blessed”. This is not just about God enabling us to make it through, but finding ways to be God’s hands and feet, wherever we find ourselves in this messy and mad world.
These are some of the projects I’ve developed:
- The DAY Programme: http://dayprogramme.org
- Fifty Shades is Domestic Abuse: http://50shadesisdomesticabuse.webs.com
- Project 3:28: http://project328.info and Speaker 3:28: http://speaker328.info
- The Own My Life course: http://ownmylifecourse.org
I am self-employed and the main earner in our family (Mr GLW has worked unpaid supporting my work for most of the last decade). If you feel able to support us at this time, there’s a few ways you can do that:
- We have a Stewardship Individual Christian Worker account, which means you can give a one-off amount or sign up to give regularly here (and we get Giftaid on it!): https://www.give.net/20220001.
- Mr GLW (his real name is Andrew), has begun working as a virtual assistant. He will be charging £20 per hour and has experience in most administrative tasks (book keeping, using Mailchimp, uploading blogs, email management, research, diary management, answering phone calls, data entry, preparing spreadsheets etc). If you (or anyone you know) could use his skills, please email him email@example.com.
- Buy and read my book (and encourage others to): Out Of Control; Couples, conflict and the capacity for change. If you email me on firstname.lastname@example.org, I can send you a Paypal link to buy it and then we get a greater amount of the sales.
- Pray for us. I know there are so many people and circumstances to pray for at the moment, but if you feel convicted to commit to pray for us, you can sign up for our semi-regular prayer email HERE.